My girlfriend

22 Jul

Although we’ve firmly decided that I am the comedian in this relationship, my girlfriend never ceases to be this fountain of funny or otherwise interesting ideas, several of which I’ve turned into stand-up jokes already. I’ve already told her she’ll get a writer credit when I do my first album and/or televised stand-up special.

Here are a couple of things she’s said in just the past few days that just wouldn’t quite sound right coming out of my mouth, though, but are still funny. Try and imagine them coming out of the tiny, unassuming Asian girl they did come out of to get the full effect.

Upon passing an Abercrombie and Fitch store at the mall:
“Eww, it smells like douchebag.”

During a conversation about the possible dangers of living in New York:
“If a guy robs you, then says ‘I’m going to rape you now,’ and you go, ‘In that case, can I have my wallet back?’ does that make you a prostitute?”

…I myself cannot think up a satisfactory answer to that one.

On breasts and produce:
“Big boobs are a lot like fresh fruit: they’re very juicy and appealing, but they have a very short shelf life, and then small boobs are like canned goods: they don’t go bad very easily, and since you have to eat something…”

Maybe these are just funny to me because I’m her boyfriend and I’m one of those insufferable boyfriends who laughs at anything his precious pookykins says, but fuck you, it’s my blog.

P.S. Before any of you try to start shit, my girlfriend proofread this before I posted it, so it is with her approval.
P.P.S. No I am not whipped.


One Response to “My girlfriend”

  1. Aubrey 07/22/2010 at 1:32 pm #

    “P.P.S. No I am not whipped.”

    ITT: lies

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