Snap into emasculation!

8 Sep

It’s 2011, and in case you didn’t know it, the male species is under attack!Our precious way of life and our right to punch, fuck, and punch-fuck anyone and anything we want while bottling up our stupid “emotions” is under attack from all sides.

And do you know who’s leading the valiant charge against this wave of un-manliness? The most noble of masculine crusaders ever: The Slim Jim.

At least that’s what the new ad campaign would have you believe, with it’s focus on their product’s ability to cure the deadly phenomenon of “male spice loss.” I’ll let the copy off of their own website explain:

“As dudes mature into guys, the pressures of adult responsibility, full-time employment and maintaining a meaningful relationship begin to take their toll. Menergy levels decrease and Male Spice Loss starts to set in.”

Jesus Christ, did you hear that? Menergy levels drop! We need to find new alternative sources of menergy! Somebody start drilling in Alaska!

Let’s remember, what causes the loss of that precious menergy? Having a full time job, a meaningful relationship, and being responsible. Being an adult = you are less of a man.

Their website also has a chart that describes the STAGES  of Male Spice Loss (or, as it’s known among sufferers and medical professionals, MSL), which starts with a guy dressed like this:

And then ends with a guy, in the most advanced and debilitating stages of MSL, looking like this:

GASP! The trifecta of horror! Fatherhood, yoga, and shopping!

The TV ads are just as bad, if not worse. They have these guys who act as “spice paramedics” who snatch men suffering from DANGEROUSLY low spice levels (or DLSL among sufferers) and rescue them from the situations inducing these symptoms. Almost inevitably, they involve women: A man going shopping. A man trying to reconcile with an ex-girlfriend. A man ordering just a salad at a restaurant because his girlfriend says he should lose weight.

“WHAT?T There’s a man actually LISTENING TO WHAT A WOMAN IS SAYING?! There’s only one thing that can solve this, and that’s our vacuum-packed  sticks of heart disease!”

Ladies and gentleman, I think the good folks at Slim Jim have found the most creative way possible of calling someone a faggot without actually using the word.

You know, people wonder why each successive generation of young people seem less productive and driven to succeed, yet we allow advertisements like this exist where the main message is “BE A MAN-CHILD! IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU’RE 34 YEARS OLD! MOVE BACK IN WITH YOUR PARENTS! IT’S THE MANLY THING TO DO!

Is this “the storm” that they were warning that was coming if gay marriage was legalized? The storm of shitty advertising saying we need to protect our precious manliness? It is amazing, no, mind-blowing that, again,  it’s 2011, yet we’re still having to struggle with this completely fallacious trope of the modern man (or at least the modern white man, as all the protagonists I’ve seen in the ads and on the website are white) as this beleaguered, oppressed man who just wants to have fun but MEAN OLD WOMEN just want to tie them down and clip their wings by making them do horrible things like going shopping or making eye contact.

It’s the same false rhetoric of marginalization that the Tea Party LOVES to use. Isn’t it such a happy coincidence how they said they needed to “take their country back” the moment there was a black man in power?

“But Angel, aren’t you over-politicizing what’s just a junk food commercial?”

In our politically apathetic and willfully ignorant society, what a commercial says holds enough sway over people’s minds that it becomes political. If catering to outdated, base, and crass ideas and mindsets will make money, ad executives will make sure those ideas get programmed into the minds of potential consumers as soon as possible. Same with other facets of pop culture. Comedy movies are filled with plots where the main character is some “lovable loser” and the villains are always boring, uptight people that make him want to do uncool things like “be responsible” or “earn one’s own keep.” It really chafes on me, since I’m someone who happens to have a Y chromosome but aspires to be more than a ball-scratching, beer-swilling caveman.

In fact, here’s what a realistic version of those “spice paramedic” commercials would be like:

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

A morbidly obese SCHLUB (20s, although with his multiple chins he looks thirty), whose flesh has fused to his couch, opens a Slim Jim when his WIFE (20s), a skinny woman whose very framed has been shaken with fear and stress, enters the room.

WIFE

Harold, that’s your 45th Slim Jim today! You have to stop! You’re ruining your life! You’re ruining OUR life!

The schlub looks at his pleading wife with sad eyes, then contemplates the Slim Jim. He then reaches out for his wife’s hand and throws the Slim Jim on the ground.

SCHLUB

You know what, Serena? You’re right. From this day on I’ll be a changed man. I’ll get back into shape and go back to being the man you fell in love with.

The wife’s eyes widen with pure joy.

WIFE

Oh, Harold…

She’s about to take his hand when am ambulance CRASHES through the wall of the living room. Two SPICE PARAMEDICS jump out of the car.

SPICE PARAMEDIC 1

Looks like this bitch thinks he can tell a man what to do!

SPICE PARAMEDIC 2

A textbook case of severe spice loss!

S.P. 1

An there’s only one treatment!

S.P. 1 & 2 IN UNISON

SLIM JIMS!

One of the S.P’s produces a fistful of Slim Jims and starts to shove it into the schlub’s mouth. Because of his obesity, he can’t really resist. He begins to GURGLE and FLAIL under their assault.

WIFE

Oh no, he’s having a heart attack! You’re killing him!

S.P. 2

SHUT YOUR MOUTH, WHORE!

S.P. 2 slaps the wife across the face, knocking her out. As they continue to shove meat sticks into his mouth, he eventually stops failing, and his body falls limp as he gives one last GURGLE.

The two S.P’s see that he’s now dead, and get off of him. After a beat of silent observation of the body, they  gleefully high-five.

S.P. 1&2 IN UNISON

SPICE LOSS AVERTED!

FADE OUT.

P.S. Upon reading this post, my girlfriend noted that it was ironic that Slim Jim is doing an ad campaign about defending one’s masculinity when the name of the product sounds like a euphemism for a small penis.

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One Response to “Snap into emasculation!”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Saved by manly jerky | The Accidental Beard - 09/30/2011

    […] a great discussion/dissection of these commercials here; it will save y’all the torment of actually having to watch them, which I don’t […]

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